[March 17th 1894]
Legendary architect Gustav “Little Boy” Schuster (pictured below) is hit by lightning during a visit to the Tour Eiffel (Paris, France). Upon his awakening from a month long coma, Mr. Schuster asks for a glass of water, then retreats into his study for the following two years. According to his biographer, Sir Umberto Laguardia (pictured below), this was the inciting incident which inspired the planning of Paradise Hotel (then tentatively named Unabhängigkeitserklärung), a 51 stories tall moving Hotel, each floor built in a different American State, so that “all people could have a home, a place to belong, anywhere, everywhere.”
[August 1907]
Investing 10 years of savings, Schuster finally manages to begin development on the Hotel’s foundations. When asked about the location of choice, Estes Park (Colorado), Schuster replied that God had asked him for color. A land dispute with certain Native American Advocacy Groups stalled construction for the next 18 months. The dispute was eventually resolved amicably.
[June 12th 1909]
Construction is officially completed on the Hotel’s ground floor. A week of debauchery and partying follows. Mr. Schuster is moved to tears by the large turnout.
Journalist Edgar Scott comments on the event, “I don’t see what the big deal is” in his editorial published on the June the 20th issue of “The Statesman”. It later turns out that he had, in fact, impregnated local prostitute Catherine Belladonna on hotel grounds during an alcohol binge.
Miss Belladonna takes the bribe and secures a lifelong position as hotel maid.
[March 22nd 1910]
Catherine Belladonna gives birth to the Antichrist. Mr. Schuster himself, who was overseeing the installation of the recently completed 4th floor from the state of Texas, helps carry out the birth giving.
[January 3rd 1914]
A massive accident occurs during transportation of the 22nd floor (Hawaii). Six people die, and half of the floor has to be rebuilt from scratch. Biographer Umberto Laguardia identifies this as the “make or break” moment for Schuster, who sold his remaining stocks in order to cover the extra costs. Schuster was quoted as saying, “I will live in Paradise or die on this earth; it makes no difference to me.”
[October 10th 1915]
After years of courtship, Gustav Schuster finally convinces long–time collaborator Catherine Belladonna to take his hand in marriage. Her two children, Algernon (fathered by journalist Edgar Scott) and Toby (father unknown) are recognized by Schuster as his own, and take on the Schuster surname.
[June 28th 1918]
Archduke Francis Ferdinand is assassinated.
[June 28th 1921]
Construction is completed on the Hotel’s 51st floor without any major accidents. Schuster was described by his late wife as “a thin husk of a man,” barely leaving his office during transportation of floors 48 to 51. The work was mostly overseen by Schuster’s right–hand man, Klaus (last name unknown), a hopeful man comfortable with his position outside of the history books.
[July 4th 1921]
A celebration is held on hotel grounds for the upcoming opening. It is unknown who sent out the invitations to the then high society, as Schuster, a shut–in at this point, was vehemently against it. Attendees include Charlie Chaplin (popularized by his impression of Charlie Chaplin), Coco Chanel and (allegedly) Al Capone, who (allegedly) had previous relations with the living spouse Mrs. Schuster.
Journalist Edgar Scott describes the event as an “unbelievable meeting of the minds” in his editorial for the July the 5th issue of “The Colorado Statesman”. Scott unfortunately misses the rest of the night’s events as he is reported fleeing the building on foot after spotting young Algernon and realizing how closely the two resembled each other.
Mr. Schuster is found hanging in his office as celebrations wind down in the ground floor’s restaurant. Klaus (last name unknown) remembers this event with great shame, as he was alerted of his best friend’s untimely passing as he was tapdancing on a table in a drunken stupor.
[July 5th 1921]
As midnight strikes, all men of stature who could not hide their inebriation are corralled out of the building and the authorities are alerted of the situation. After a brief investigation, Schuster’s death is ruled a suicide. The Hotel’s official opening is delayed.
[September 1921]
Herman and Joseph Schuster, brothers of the late Gustav, fly to Colorado despite the ongoing war after learning of their sibling’s demise. Matters of inheritance are expedited by the sudden disappearance of Mrs. Shuster. Joseph, already father of eight healthy children, adopts Algernon and Toby into the family.
[December 25th 1921]
Paradise Hotel officially opens for business. Through unknown connections, Herman Schuster manages to secure advertisement spots in the then–new format of Radio Broadcasting.
Klaus (last name unknown) is mostly left in charge of operating the hotel’s clockwork mechanisms; historian Carlos Guantanamo posits that “Little Boy” might have never shared the full extent of the hotel’s complexity to his right–hand man, leading to a series of disappearances which were quietly swept under the rug. (These claims have been disputed.)
Famous desaparecidos include the then president of Cuba Marco Garcia Menocal and journalist Edgar Scott.
[June 1922]
As World War I winds down and the new German government is instated, Paradise Hotel is deemed an economically viable business. Joseph and Herman Schuster begin the process of moving their families to Colorado. Herman is forced to say goodbye to his gay lover.
[1928]
Algernon Schuster, now 18 years of age, assumes custody of his young brother Toby and disappears somewhere in Alaska. Herman Schuster becomes estranged from the rest of his family; Photo-Journalist Menelao Steppi La Mannerra theorizes this is the beginning of his life–long struggle with heroin. Joseph, having attained riches beyond his wildest dreams, moves to Hollywood in hopes of securing a movie career. His son Albert succeeds him as Hotel manager.
[1932]
The Schuster family stops receiving news from Joseph. Movie buffs fondly remember his walk-in cameo in the movie “City Life”. Herman is arrested under charges of indecent acts. The Schuster children, under the merciful leadership of Albert, effectively take control of the Hotel.
[September 1937]
A young Adolf Hitler, leader of the German National Socialist party, leads the invasion of Poland, kickstarting World War II.
[1942]
Following the Pearl Harbor attacks the United States officially joins the war efforts. The Schuster family suffers discrimination due to their German lineage. This leads Albert to the decision of moving the Hotel to Italy, ancestral home of his mother Marianna Rachele De Laurentis, where they would be protected by the Fascist regime in place.
The decision is challenged by three of his brothers: Jeremiah, Elias and Lukas. Nonetheless, Albert’s will eventually triumphs and the Hotel is moved to Italy through a complex system of railways. Klaus (last name unknown) resigns in protest.
[February 1943]
The front of the Hotel is redesigned to better fit in with the roman architecture of the time (pictured above).
[July 19th 1943]
The Royal Air Force bombs Rome in an attempt to destroy Paradise Hotel. While apparently unmotivated, biographer Umberto Laguardia theorizes that said bombings were meant to avoid a leak of CIA documents. The Hotel itself is unscathed, however, the bombings end up killing over 4000 civilians.
[August 1948]
Journalist Edgar Scott suddenly reappears, not having aged a day. He manages to escape the Hotel and, through a mix of cunning and street smarts, changes his name to Gerry Scotti and blends in with Italian society.
[1952]
The axis powers capitulate one after the other, putting an end to the war. Albert Schuster, impoverished and under threat of having to face a popular tribunal, commits suicide by shooting in his office. The remaining Schusters begin squabbling over what’s to come. Jeremiah Schuster strikes an alliance with the Italian Christian Democratic party which secures their safety for the time being.
[1955]
Paradise Hotel effectively becomes the Christian Democratic party base of operation. Then President Alcide De Gasperi (pictured above) and his protégée Giulio Andreotti (pictured above) bond over the allegedly tasty coffee brewed by Ingrid Luciana Schuster.
[Approx. 1960]
Barack “Hussein” Obama is born in a small Austrian village. His birth is erased from official records.
[April 4th 1961]
Martin Luther King is assassinated by a team of professional Hockey players to make way for Barack.
[August 24th 1963]
Hideous Kojima is born in Nairobee Japan. As the son of a governor, he is born an adult.
[January 1964]
Joseph Schuster suddenly reappears in Washington DC. Having changed his name to Johnathan Smitherson, he sports a new wife going by the name of Chu Hua Zhao. His lawyers argue that ownership of the Hotel was never formally relinquished, making Mr. Smitherson the de-facto proprietor and insisting for its return to the state of Colorado. Jeremiah Schuster, through the intervention of De Gasperi, hires a team of lawyers which forestall the proceedings by arguing Italian propriety laws that did not, in fact, exist.
[January 2nd 1968]
Goichi Suda is born in Ueda, Japan.
[November 8th 1968]
John Fitzgerald Kennedy is elected president of the United States.
[1969]
Mr. Smitherson, emboldened by the success of DuPont, appeals to the Supreme Court for Paradise Hotel to be returned to the United States. JFK assures the Schuster brothers that their war crimes would be pardoned if they chose surrender.
[October 1970]
Through the intervention of an old friend, whose last name remains unknown, Lukas Schuster (who had adopted the nickname “Big Boy”) manages to secure a location in the Netherlands for Paradise Hotel.
Jeremiah, however, fears his brother’s rising influence and resents his usage of the nickname “Big Boy”. This creates a rift between the seven Schuster brothers. It is ultimately decided that, in order to hide the Hotel from their father, Lukas would oversee the transport of the Hotel’s upper half (Floors 26 to 51) to Oosterbeek and change its name to “Bilderberg” as a homage to the late Gustav, while Jeremiah would remain in Italy and hide the Hotel under the name “Raphael”.
Works begins in earnest for the immense railway needed for its transport which is, nonetheless, kept a secret.
[November 21st 1970]
John Fitzgerald Kennedy is massacred by a hail of bullets traced to eight different assault rifles during a picnic in Dallas. The lone gunman, a Canadian man named Lee Harvey Oswald, is subsequently arrested.
[November 24th 1970]
Lee Harvey Oswald is last seen entering a cremation chamber of his own volition. The authorities lose track of him.
[January 24th 1971]
The first meeting of the Bilderberg Group, held in Paradise Hotel (Oosterbeek), is presided by Karl Schwab (Pictured above).
Lukas’ authority begins to overshadow Jeremiah’s, who nonetheless strikes a deal with Permaflex director Licio Gelli to host his matress conferences.
[June 4th 1973]
Bobby Kennedy is assassinated in the ballroom of Paradise Hotel (Rome) by Officer Spencer. Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan, a Mujaheddin waiter and disc jockey, is blamed for the assassination and is summarily executed.
[August 1977]
The Watergate scandal envelops Paradise Hotel (Oosterbeek). President Richard Nixon accidentally leaves his tap open while preparing a bath for his “assistant” Meredith Culacula Albatross. The room is flooded and as the red-clothed plumber works tirelessly to fix the mess, he stumbles upon a slew of recording devices planted by Nixon. The president is excised from Hotel grounds with Schwab promising him that his political career was over; the plumber is quietly disposed of.
[1978]
Aldo Moro is kidnapped by the terrorist group “Brigate Rosse”. Jeremiah, a close friend and “collaborator” of the Christian Democratic Party, taps into his underworld connections to help with the search. He is unsuccessful and Moro is ultimately assassinated on May the 9th.
[March 17th 1981]
The police raids Paradise Hotel as part of the investigation over the mysterious suicide of philanthropist Michele Sindona, who poisoned himself while awaiting trial. A series of disturbing documents is found which tied Jeremiah to the P2 and P4 lodges, his connections with Gelli and in turn, their relationship with the CIA stay-behind operation “GLADIO”. Jeremiah quietly defiles himself, leaving weak-willed Luciana in charge.
[February 1981]
Mr. Smitherson, through the intervention of then president Ronald Reagan, secures an executive order for the return of Paradise Hotel to the United States. A picture of Max Schwab wearing lingerie on a Florida beach is “accidentally” leaked to the press and “accidentally” attributed to Karl, substantially weakening the image of the Bilderberg Hotel.
[March 1981]
Lukas Schuster returns to Italy asking for his brother’s help. He eventually manages to find him, hiding in Calabria under the alias “Carlo Zatteroni.” However, Jeremiah does not forgive his betrayal. “There were seven of us when you left, now I count only one.” Those are the last words the two share.
[June 1981]
The two halves of Paradise Hotel are flown over by a Zeppelin to New York City and then reunited. The remaining Schuster brothers disappear. Johnathan Smitherson names his wife’s son, David Hua Zhao, chief of operations. The Georgia Guidestones are built to commemorate the return of Paradise Hotel to its motherland.
[March 30th 1983]
John Hinckley Jr. tries to assassinate Ronald Reagan. Historian Carlos Guantanamo posits that the assassination attempt was precipitated by the return of Paradise Hotel before being shot himself. Reagan ultimately survives and Hinckley Jr. is imprisoned.
[June 19th 1985]
The stockholders of DuPont meet in Paradise Hotel. During the meeting, George Bush Sr., the majority holder, uttered the phrase “There’s nothing wrong with collecting letters to spell a word.”
Johnathan Smitherson leaves the room as the Joseph Schuster persona is reawakened through the MKUltra activation phrase. In a fit of madness he kills both his wife and her son before committing suicide.
In accordance to his contract, his stocks in DuPont are absorbed by the company alongside all of his worldly possessions.
[August 1st 1985]
DuPont changes its name to “Du Pont”.
[October 30th 1987]
Du Pont changes its name to “du, Pont!”
[November 10th 1989]
George Bush Sr. is elected President. Subsequently, “du, Pont!” changes its name to “dU’Pont”.
[August 1st 1990]
George Bush visits Hitler’s bunker. He is confronted by a series of photographs proving beyond any shadow of doubt that the nazis had, in fact, “bombed the hell out of Hiroshima.” He declares that he didn’t know what they were. (Source.)
[April 30th 1993]
Italian Socialist Party president Bettino Craxi is ousted from the country under allegations of corruption. Through his connections with former President Cossiga and GLADIO he manages to secure a room in Paradise Hotel. A lookalike is dispatched to Hammamet.
[1994]
First Gulf War.
[March 30th 1998]
Goichi Suda founds Grasshopper Manufacture.
[November 5th 1999]
A separatist cell, bred within Paradise Hotel, plans and executes the assassination of George Bush Sr. Official history records this event as a crime of passion from his wife Barbara Bush, who also dies in the explosion.
George Bush Jr. succeeds his father as sovereign.
[September 11th 2001]
During the course of the CIA sponsored 9/11 terror attacks, Paradise Hotel is hit by the fifth plane and suffers severe structural damage. It is believed that all of its guests died in the attack.
[February 2003]
The ruins of Paradise Hotel are bought by eccentric Las Vegas based millionaire Marty Mills. The clockwork mechanisms are activated once more. Marty was quoted as saying, “I fucked everything in my time, I fucked spidermen, I fucked dogs, I fucked bridges, now it’s time for me to buy a hotel. It just makes sense.”
[March 2003]
Second Gulf War.
[April 2003]
Paradise Hotel lands in Las Vegas. Renovations begin in earnest.
[June 9th 2005]
Killer7 is released.
[November 11th 2005]
Bruno San Marino and Red Ribbon transport Kamui Uehara into the future to assist Mr. TD (TopDrunkee). (Source.)
[2006]
The SINdicate, under the leadership of Mr. TD (TopDrunkee Thy ILLnifique) makes the Hotel their base of operations. Their connections with the TRUMP syndicate puts them in the sights of international mafia families.
[June 8th 2008]
First recorded Heaven Smile terrorist attack. The explosion at the Iraqi embassy kills 20 and wounds 5. Recently resurrected historian Carlos Guantanamo theorizes that the attack on George Bush Sr. might have employed an early form of the Heaven Smile virus, “Samayoru”. King Bush sanctions the bombing of Baghdad in retaliation.
[May 2011]
Marty Mills, at this point a figurehead for the leadership of TopDrunkee, is forced to sell the Hotel due to what he describes as “gambling debts”. Mr. Gonady acquires the hotel as a front for the Dataly mafia. Marty was quoted as saying, “I rolled a five and a one. I had snake eyes!”
[June 2011]
The TopDrunkee persona is absorbed by the Dataly Syndicate and is put in charge of its prostitution ring. Jack and Jill Ichikawa suddenly appear in the hotel.
[September 1st 2013]
First recorded instance of Remnant Psyches manifesting on Hotel grounds. Johnny Casket, the janitor, reportedly witnesses a woman (whom biographer Umberto Laguardia identifies as Catherine Belladonna) holding her own neck as if she were being strangled with a garrote. “They never finish the job, do they? They clean the stains, but the blood remains!” Mr. Casket flees in terror.
[July 2015]
Hideous Kojima is fired from Konami. Therefore, the Georgia Guidestones are renamed “the Gaming Guidestones”.
[September 16th 2016]
George Bush Jr. dies of old age. Later investigations reveal that he was, in fact, George Bush Sr.
[November 2016]
Elections are held for the first time in 25 years. Donald J. Trump is elected President of the United States.
[December the 3rd 2016]
The Gaming Guidestones telepathically project a Hololive concert onto the unsuspecting populace.
Andrey Ulmeyda makes his debut by hijacking a tv station to broadcast the explosion of the concert’s venue, which he orchestrated. Autorities are baffled by his masturbatory acts.
[February 2017]
Heaven Smile attacks suddenly stop. The Iraq war is declared won and the NATO troops stationed there are moved to Syria. TopDrunkee is rejected by the core persona and becomes Mr. TD once more.
[June 2018]
During the scorching hot summer, Johnny Gagnon infiltrates Paradise Hotel to investigate the Dataly Mafia. He never comes out. His investigative notes are preserved by psychiatrist Elizabeth Smith.
[November 2020]
Donald J Trump is confirmed for a second mandate.
[December 12th 2020]
John Hinckley Jr. is released from prison and becomes a youtuber. (Source.)
[July 4th 2022]
Hideous Kojima murders Kazuki Takahashi.
[July 7th 2022]
The Gaming Guidestones are blown up. Barrel Liberation Front is suspected of being responsible, however Mr. Jaeger (Barrel Liberation Front COO) denies the allegations. Lamentations of pain can be heard from within the halls of Paradise Hotel. The Berlin wall crumbles.
[July 8th 2022]
Hideous Kojima murders Shinzo Abe.
[July 11th 2022]
Heaven Smile attacks resume. A bombing attack on the Hawaiian refugee center kills 9001 Ugandan children and wounds five. Goblinophobia spreads through the population. Mr. Jaeger is arrested for tax evasion.
[August 2022]
A connection is found between Barrel Libertion Front and Hideous Kojima. According to reliable sources, he is responsible for building Mr. Jaeger’s gaming laptop. Kojima is taken into custody but he is immediately pardoned by Trump. He flees to the Philippines under the alias “Joakim Mogren”. Mr. Jaeger dies of a heart attack while pending trial.
NOTE: The following events have yet to transpire.
[March 2023]
The deadly bioweapon “Covid-23” leaks from a US-funded lab in Wuhan, China. Symptoms include a runny nose and red cheeks. The death toll is catastrophic.
[July 11th 2023]
James Mountain acknowledges Paradise Hotel on Twitter.
[2024]
In order to halt the spread of the infection, all air travel is outlawed. The construction of a network of intercontinental highways begins in earnest. The technology used for such contraptions is similar to that employed by “Little Boy” in building Paradise Hotel.
Danny Dataly, fearing for the independence of his clan, moves the hotel to Texas with the intent of crossing the border to Mexico.
[November 6th 2024]
Barack Obama, now in his late 30s, is elected President. The meaning of “nation” begins to change.
[2026]
Despite the erosion of national borders, Paradise Hotel is denied asylum in the Mexican kingdom. In order to secure their position in Texas, a deal is struck with First Life Inc. CEO Andrei Ulmeyda. Ulmeyda witnesses an apparition in his room. The Remnant Psyche of Shinzo Abe communes with Ulmeyda, but the contents of their conversation remain unknown.
[January 1st 2027]
At the dawn of the new year, the United Nation military launches a preemptive strike on Ulmeyda territory under suspicion that his company, First Line Inc., was a trojan horse for a Texan based cult. During the ensuing confrontation, Ulmeyda’s smile turns into sorrowful tears. The Dataly clan is surprisingly ignored by the commandos. Seventeen years old Youtube political commentator Fun–zie claims that the Paradise Hotel mafia might have sold out Ulmeyda in exchange for a pardon.
[2027-2032]
The “Heaven Tears” begin claiming victims in a new series of terror attacks. The meaning of “terrorism” changes once again. The Dataly Mafia enters an unlikely alliance with “El Tiburon” cartel in order to secure their safety.
[October 31st 2035]
The Paradise Hotel massacre. Mr. TD, leading an army of thong laden goth chicks, storms the Hotel and decimates the Dataly syndicate.
The Leviathan, Rake and Johnny Casket are gunned down in the lobby. Infernal Grape is surprised by an assassin while playing the piano and his throat is slit.
Max Triumph and Qishmish are killed by a grenade explosion. The shrapnel lodges itself in Xed51’s neck, who dies from blood loss shortly thereafter. 2ILLnificent, distraught, commits suicide by shooting his own head off.
Jack and Jill Ichikawa are found dead, sitting around the mahjong table with MoroTa Number 9 and Benjamin. The four of them apparently gunned each other down for an unrelated gambling dispute. As he bleeds out, Benjamin utters his final words. “That’s a furiten, you’ve got no hand…”
Calagath Seizar is defeated while guarding the VIP room. Having lost the duel, he commits seppuku with his katana blade. Inside the VIP room, Lord NINTENDO and Bettino Craxi are gunned down as they discuss the nation’s future over a chess game.
Lastly, Cat and Zero Roxas are eventually outgunned while trying to secure the basement. As the Goth Army descends, they disable the equipment keeping Hopespeak alive. His misshapen, dwarven body writhes eldritchly before dying.
At the bottom of the stairs, Mr. TD executes Iwazaru, who bears a striking resemblance to Kun Lan. On the roof, he meets a young boy with three eyes.
A nondescript black man walks out of the Hotel.
[November 2035]
Paradise Hotel is returned to Las Vegas, which is declared a nation state. Samantha Macalister Esquire, once again donning the persona of Elizabeth Smith MD, gets to work on restoring the fallen personae.
[2036]
The will of “Hussein” is inherited by the Clinton clan, which rapidly takes control of the United Nations. A young Bill Clinton is put in charge. The Clinton Machine is activated.
An awakened Kaxantrom Laguardia, free from its restrains, leads a one man assault on the Heaven Tears MASPRO plant in Melbourne, Australia. He encounters the sleeping body of Danny Dataly. The destruction of the plant ushers in an unprecedented era of peace.
[January 2039]
Bill Clinton is defamed due to a sexual relationship with his secretary. His defense, “I just fucked her in the ass, that’s not real intercourse” proves to be unconvincing. His wife Hillary succeeds him as Dominar by trapping him in the elevator.
[May 2nd 2041]
Thanks to the efforts of Elizabeth Smith, the Max Triumph persona is restored. However, in a fit of lunacy, he shoots Mr. TD, forcing him to be wheelchair-bound. The TopDrunkee persona, trapped in the Black Lodge, communes with reality by possessing Mr. TD’s frail body.
[2042-2045]
Kaxantrom Laguardia is responsible for the deaths of several politicians worldwide through his nearly–superhuman killing abilities. These incidents are hidden from the public in order to preserve “Societal Sanity”.
At the same time, the Final Smile bioweapon is being engineered in Dubai. The public is, likewise, kept unaware.
[2073]
“Final Smile” is spread through the social media phone app “TikTok”. Most of the world is overrun overnight. India becomes a superpower.
[March 17th 2115]
The final battle takes place in Paradise Hotel. Billions of “Final Smiles” fly to Las Vegas from the East. MoroTa Number 9, who has been converted into a giant robot piloted by Hopespeak, confronts the horde.
[March 18th 2115]
The Ultimate SINdicate takes drastic action to save the remnants of Paradise Hotel by moving it to the metaverse. A deal is struck with reptilian sovereign and activist Mark Zuckerberg. The Hotel is relocated to the URL https://www.paradisehotel51.com, which is enunciated fully.