Paradise Hotel 51

Where Gaming Dies

No More Heroes – Official Guide UAA Ranker’s Bible

Release Date: January 1st 2008
Page count: 127
ISBN: 978-4757739659

I know a lot of gamers out there don’t have much patience. At least that’s what Bishop, the dude at the video store said. So I’m at the register, then I realize I got no money. I was seriously broke. Why? ‘Cause I met this smokin’ hot chick last night at the Death Match bar. Man, she smelled good! So being the gentleman I am, I bought her a drink. Anyhow, I decide to get a job. The gig: assassinate the Drifter…

A guidebook for the original No More Heroes. It opens on a short story, “Past killing to Future killing”, in which protagonist Travis Touchdown reminisces about one of his first victims. (The short story has been translated by PT). Its first chapter is dedicated to an overview of the game’s cast, keeping the later bosses hidden in shadow. The following segment deals with the city of Santa Destroy, featuring a full map and descriptions for each of the game’s locations. The third chapter explains the game’s systems and controls, while the fourth one is dedicated to a flowchart of the game’s progression and an explanation on how to read the following guide.

From that point onward, the book moves into the guide proper, detailing all the game’s side-jobs, assassination missions, free fights, action levels and boss fights. The following segment, Data Files, contains a list of the game’s collectibles and a strategy for the final secret boss. The fifth and final chapter, Inside Heroes, is dedicated to concept art that you can also unlock in-game. Lastly, the book lists the game’s staff, the lyrics for “The virgin child makes her wish without feeling anything” and Jeane’s fast-forward speech.


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Past killing to Future killing

– One Day of Travis Touchdown –

– 1 –

When I was a kid, my father took me to a baseball game at Destroy Stadium.
As always, our Destroy Warriors were on the verge of losing: by the ninth inning, the score was 18-0.
That’s when No. 4, Henry Rollins, stepped onto the field.
Rollins was a big, rugged man, he had that kind of masculine aura. Among the DWs, who’d get stuck at the bottom of the league every year, he was the only player with a good track record. He was every kid’s hero, and we’d get all excited when he’d join the game at the last minute, ready to settle the match.

– 2 –

Rollins came for me that day. After two strikes, he hit the ball with a sweet sharp swing on the inside corner, knocked it straight to the left stand where I was sitting. I was in awe. I jumped out of the chair and shouted his name at the top of my lungs, eyes facing the sky, fists up in the air… and then I felt a sharp pain in my nose, and I screamed.
No, not like that.
Yeah, that was it. No, wait…
That sounds about right.
Anyway, my nose blew up in a bloody firework and I fell to my feet. As I was passing out, I could see Rollins’ home-run ball, stained red like a hot chili pepper. That’s a nice memory, catching Rollins’ bloody home-run. When I think back on it, I still get a chill up my nose. Unfortunately, that’s not where this “nice memory” ends.

– 3 –

I was just getting started as an assassin. The Mafia in Santa Destroy offered me good money to take out some guy who was up to his neck in gambling debts. I didn’t like it at all, but I was seriously broke, so I took the job. As it turned out, the “guy up to his neck in gambling debt” was Rollins.
One year after I caught his home-run with my face, he tore his ligament during practice, ruining his batting. He was forced to retire; it’s no wonder he had racked up such a huge debt.
I managed to track him down thanks to a tip from Bishop, the guy from the video store. I was really looking forward to meeting him. Henry Rollins, the man! I even brought a card for him to sign.
After a while, I found the old No. 4 batter, stumbling around, a bottle of booze in his hand.
Hey hey hey, what the hell… This is Rollins? My spicy memories of his past clashed with his ghastly present, talk about depressing…
If that’s how things are, I’m going to deal with the past and the present all at once. Time to get to work. I threw away my card and pen and called him out.
“I’m here to take your life. I don’t need to tell you why, do I?”
Rollins did not respond; he just stood there in a daze.
“What a waste…”
I drew my Beam Katana.

– 4 –

Just then, Rollins dropped his bottle and grabbed a steel pipe from a pile of junk. He stood in front of me in the same form as the day he broke my nose with that delightful home-run.
“Play ball, Bowers.”
I couldn’t believe it. The former superstar, challenging me to a match? I was beside myself.
“OK. You got it, Rollins.”
As my excitement reached its peak, I tightened the grip on my Beam Katana and we stepped into the Garden of Madness. We both knew there was no need for a second or third pitch; it was going to be a one-ball match with a straight pitch right in the middle.
I threw myself at him. Rollins swung at me sharper than he had in his prime, but I managed to duck under his swing, and my Beam Katana pierced him right into his strike zone.
Game set.
As I pulled out my Beam Katana, his body fell to the ground. His eyes were wide open; until the end, he kept his eyes on the ball.
“You were the best hitter there ever was, Rollins.”
I placed my treasured home-run ball in front of him, in lieu of flowers.
But it would have been a waste to leave my card and pen as well, so I took them home with me.

– 5 –

“This is the tenth consecutive loss for the DWs.”
The sportscaster on TV coldly announced yet another loss for the Destroy Warriors.
How are you doing, Rollins? Are you still lamenting the weakness of your old team in the afterlife? Well, it’s not much different from when you were around, but you certainly made things more fun.
Anyway, it’s time to leave the sorrows of defeat behind. I’m going for a drink at Death Match Bar, and let me tell you, Rollins, I’ve got a feeling about this one. Almost as if I’m going to have an encounter that’ll blow me away like your home-run.