You finally made it to my room! Took you long enough. Please, have a sit. If you treat me nicely, maybe I’ll make it worth your while… NOT! (`へ´#)
Now zip up your pants and listen to me. By now, you must have noticed something isn’t quite right. In fact, you may have realized you’re not in a Hotel at all. Big surprise, right? (¯3¯)
You’re actually browsing a website. Not just any website, but one dedicated to some obscure Japanese games from 20 years ago. No, don’t come any closer. I could smell the virginity off of you the moment you came in. (¯△¯)
I don’t want to be here any more than you do, but I have a contract and so do you. My dad even cancelled my Netflix subscription, so there’s nothing to do. It’s not about the vaccine, it’s something else. (>_>)
Anyway, management tells me some people have trouble browsing this site. You were probably screaming with your inside voice. “Mommy, mommy, why doesn’t it scroll? How come the funny videos aren’t playing mommy?” Well maybe Mommy is busy with another man, have you considered that? Maybe a woman needs to move on with her life just like a man would, just like when my dad moved on with that WHORE and cancelled my CBS plus. Yeah, I bet you know about that. I bet you kept paper clippings of his mangled body. I bet you did a little dance too!ヽ( ‘▽ ‘)ノ
This website is nothing like that, you actually have to browse it to find what you’re looking for. Why? Because it was designed by a bunch of no-good losers like you.
If you’re looking for something specific, you just need to look up top. See that gray bar? That’s where you click to get somewhere. Aren’t you a good boy?
The first one on the left, “What is Kill the Past?”, is an explanation of the titular series. I wouldn’t put it past you to have stumbled here by mistake. Men always seem to do that, leaving their rings all over the place… (¯△¯)
Every other option on the top row, like “Moonlight Syndrome” or “killer7” will direct you to one of the main games.
Now once you click on any of them, you need to move your eyes to the left. As if a WHORE just walked in. One with a neck and fingers and toes and… (¯3¯)
That’s called a navigation menu. I call it Paul. Now Paul has four options.
“Characters” will bring you to a page with said game’s cast. I heard that at some point, clicking on their faces might direct you to some sort of bio. Of course, that would imply any sort of effort on the part of the webmasters so that’s never gonna happen.
“Analysis” is exactly what it sounds like. The writer smelling his own farts, telling you how to live your life. I could talk about my teachers, but we’d be here all night. (¯△¯)
“Merchandise” leads you to a page with all the tchotchkes that some fat idiot decided to release about that game. Now I was told by the owner, and in no uncertain terms, that I must explain to you that you’re meant to click on those images to get scans, translations, explanations, all sorts of shit that doesn’t matter.
“Bonus footage” is everything else. Old trailers, magazines, interviews, whatever. Point is we’re done with Paul. Much like my first boyfriend Paul, they both exhausted their usefulness. Once his man-thing stopped working, I felt it was mercy to put a pillow over his face. I still miss him to this day. (;-;)7
Hey! Wake up!!! (`へ´#) If I’m gonna sit here talking bullshit, the least you can do is listen to me. We got a whole ‘nother row to go through. “Other GhM” leads you to page with all the other Grasshopper Manufacture games, while “Other Suda” is for all the other projects this Suda guy worked on.
Are you confused yet? Do you really want me to go on? “Made in Paradise” is for fan-made content. Artwork, games, articles, whatever.
“ISZK TV Latest News” is where Karen Hojo gives you the runaround on the latest site updates. “Our History” is exactly what it sounds like, the site’s history. There’s a bunch of WEIRDOS who keep asking about it, but they never have the balls to bring it up to me. (´-`) If it were up to me, they’d all be piled up in the basement, but I guess Mr. TD was feeling generous that day.
“Store” is where all the slut… I mean the cool, hip young girls go to buy the latest Paradise Hotel merchandise! Don’t forget, starving Yemenian children are being fed through their hard labor in the sweat shop, so spend, spend spend! (* ͡ ▽ ͡ *)
“Asylum” is where the TD gang congregates. That’s right, it’s an internet forum! Either you’re too young to know what it is, or you’re too old to talk to a young lady like me.
What? My age? Have you no manners?! (ToT) You’re not supposed to ask that! Last time it happened, I cried all day and all night. They never found the body. (´-`)
Finally, “SINdicate” is where you should click if you want to get acquainted with the limp dicks who run this place. I guess that’s pretty much it! I’ll be sad to see you go, but as they say, the sadness of separation and the joy of… Oh just get the fuck out. Don’t foget the final Susie Safety Tip though! You better tip the doorman if you care about your life. Goodbye Mr. Smith! (;-;)7