NOTE: Susie Sumner is a talking head.
You finally made it to my room! Took you long enough. Please, have a sit. If you treat me nicely, maybe I’ll make it worth your while… NOT! (`へ´#)
Now zip up your pants and listen to me. By now, you must have noticed something isn’t quite right. In fact, you may have realized you’re not in a Hotel at all. Big surprise, right? (¯3¯)
You’re actually browsing a website. Not just any website, but one dedicated to some obscure Japanese games from two decades ago. No, don’t come any closer. I could smell the virginity off of you the moment you came in. (¯△¯)
I don’t want to be here any more than you do, but I have a contract and so do you. My dad even cancelled my Netflix subscription, it couldn’t be helped. It’s not about the vaccine, it’s something else. (>_>)
Anyway, management tells me some people have trouble browsing this site. You were probably screaming with your inside voice. “Mommy, mommy, why doesn’t it scroll? How come the funny videos aren’t playing mommy?” Well maybe Mommy is busy with another man, have you thought of that? Maybe a woman needs to move on with her life just like a man would, just like when my dad moved on with that WHORE and cancelled my CBS plus. Yeah, I bet you know about that. I bet you kept paper clippings of his mangled body. I bet you did a little dance too!ヽ( ‘▽ ‘)ノ
This website is nothing like that, you actually have to browse it to find what you’re looking for. Why? Because it was designed by a bunch of no-good losers like you.
If you’re looking for something specific, you need to move your eyes to the left. As if a WHORE just walked in. One with a neck and fingers and toes and… (¯3¯)
That’s called “Navigation Bar”. I call it Paul. I’ll give you three guesses as per what you need to do with Paul. That’s right, you click on him to navigate the website! You’re such a good boy!
Your first option, Reception, takes you back to the front page. From there you can navigate to five more pages:
ISZK TV Latest News is where Karen Hojo gives you the runaround on the latest site updates, or the latest murder spree.
Susie can’t actually hear you, as she doesn’t exist.
Our History is exactly what it sounds like, the site’s history. There’s a bunch of WEIRDOS who keep asking about it, but they never have the balls to bring it up to me. (´-`) If it were up to me, they’d all be piled up in the basement, but I guess Mr. TD is feeling generous…
The Asylum is where the TD gang congregates. Some shady characters hang out there… That’s right, it’s an internet forum! Either you’re too young to know what it is, or you’re too old to talk to a young lady like me.
What? My age? Have you no manners?! (ToT) You’re not supposed to ask that! Last time it happened, I cried all day and all night. They never found the body. (´-`)
Made in Paradise is for fan-made content. Artwork, games, articles, whatever. Lastly, SINdicate is where you should click if you want to get acquainted with the limp dicks who run this place.
Your next option, Kill the Past, is an explanation of the titular series. I wouldn’t put it past you to have stumbled here by mistake. Men always seem to do that, leaving their rings all over the place… (¯△¯)
All the following buttons, from Moonlight Syndrome to Kurayami, will direct you to one of the main games. Each of them is split into five segments, which you can navigate with the top right menu.
Each landing page, which you can always return to by clicking on the title screen, is dedicated to the game’s development history.
Characters will bring you to an overview of said game’s cast.
Analysis is exactly what it sounds like. The writer smelling his own farts, telling you how to live your life. Just like my imaginary Saskatchewan teacher. (¯△¯)
Merchandise leads you to a page with all the tchotchkes that some fat idiot decided to release about that game. Now I was told by the owner, and in no uncertain terms, that I must explain to you that you’re meant to click on those images to get scans, translations, explanations, all sorts of shit that doesn’t matter.
Bonus footage is everything else. Old trailers, magazines, interviews and so on. Are you there? Are you still listening?
Hey! Wake up!!! (`へ´#) If I’m gonna sit here talking bullshit, the least you can do is listen to me. There’s just two buttons left. Ghm WORKS leads you to page with all the other Grasshopper Manufacture games, while SUDA51 WORKS is for all the other projects this Suda guy worked on.
And just like that, we’re done with Paul. Much like my first boyfriend Paul, they both exhausted their usefulness. Once his man-thing stopped working, I felt it was mercy to put a pillow over his face. I still miss him to this day. (;-;)7
I’ll be sad to see you go as well, our meeting as brief as spring in… Nah, just get the fuck out. Don’t forget the final Susie Safety Tip though! You better tip the doorman if you care about your life. Goodbye Mr. Smith! (* ͡ ▽ ͡ *)
Travis Bell’s WORDS:
Hey, Smith, it’s me. ME! You don’t remember? On that smoldering hot night in 1997, I lent you 50.000 Yen. You thought you could get away? There’s no such thing as a forgotten debt in the underworld.
I’ll give it to you straight. That bitch can be pretty confusing, but you shouldn’t take it personally. Her target is your very dignity. Left to your own devices, you’d be eating out of her hand like a good little doggie.
Don’t sweat it, I’ve got your back. Don’t look at me like that, I’m serious! Behold, the Travis Site Map!