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Directed by Jason Friedberg
and Aaron Seltzer
I have not seen this movie in at least a couple months or so but this film is SO FEROCIOUSLY HORRID that it is sticking out quite clearly in my mind.
I HATE this movie. Before I saw this film, I have NEVER EVER EVER seen a movie I just flat out hated. NEVER. But I HATE this one.
Here's the "story" of sorts. Four people from four different movies join together and end up going to "gnarnia" (a Narnia parody...err....whatever). While going there and while they are there, they end up seeing all of these things from different movies.
The strangest thing is that the film references are the "jokes". There's nothing that is done with them at all. The directors (who also wrote this trash) just I guess ASSUMED that because the movie makes a reference to another film that it would just be the funniest thing ever or something. It's not. Showing characters from comedies that weren't even funny in the first place in ANOTHER movie that is just parodying them makes the characters even LESS funny than they were originally in their original context. They do show a fake Borat guy (and while some people are very split over that movie I LOVED it) and he just comes on screen, says the Borat lines (that the REAL Borat actually says) and THAT is supposed to be much funnier than Borat was in his actual film. The retarded logic behind this crap boggles the mind
As for....well who cares. This movie is so bad that (and here's an accurate comparison) it would be infinately more enjoyable to stick my butt up in the air, crap on my own face, eat it, vomit it back out, hump the "poop vomit", then eat it back up once again. I mean that with all seriousness. And you thought THAT description was disgusting?! It's NOTHING compared to the torture that is Epic Movie.
If anyone reading this ever ends up being a spy and captures me because they need some vital piece of information out of me that can destroy the entire planet, all they will need to do is play Epic Movie and I will tell them how to destroy the planet as well as HELP them do it (twice, if not more) just so that I won't be forced to watch Epic Movie again.
I could go on and on with comparisons and metaphors about how much I despise this crap, but I think you get the point.
This is so horrible that the unrated version of the DVD isn't even any longer or shorter than the theatrical version of the movie! They just changed some takes of it so the characters said the F-Word a bunch of times instead of other things they originally said in the theatrical version.
And what is with all of the hip hop musical sequences?! As if the mere CONCEPT isn't dumb enough! There's at LEAST 3 or four of them in the movie! And midgets just pop up all the time as though the movie is more enjoyable when more of them are on screen. It's obviously not.
The only good thing about this movie is the red headed girl who's the ditzy girl. She's kinda cute. But having a girl that's kinda cute doesn't mean anything when the movie is this torturous. And why is Jennifer Coolidge in this piece of crap?!!?! I noticed that the narrator of Epic Movie, Roscoe Lee Browne died right after making this movie. I know that if I were in Epic movie, if I didn't die immediately afterwards I'd have probably killed myself instead. His page says cancer....it was "Epic Movie Cancer".
There's a part in Epic movie where the main characters are walking towards Azlo's (Aslan from Narnia) tent. On the way (like in the real Narnia) they pass by a bunch of different characters. All are from some other movie and the camera pans by, only to have this or that guy make a parodied cameo, then move on to the next one. This is what the whole movie is like. We move from one parody just to go into another one. The movie never tries to change the "cameo" from it's original context and therefore is less funny than it would've been in the first place.
Before seeing Epic Movie, the movie that was on the bottom of my list was called Malibu Beach Vampires. And now Epic Movie has SO FAR SURPASSED Malibu Beach Vampires In just being flat out evil that I wouldn't mind seeing Malibu Beach Vampires again after seeing Epic Movie.
This movie is more evil than Satan himself. At least while you're watching it. Then watching torture and bodily mutilation....doesn't seem so bad in comparison.
Jason and Aaron, I could only WISH that you never make another movie again. SADLY.....excuse me. APPALINGLY they are making another movie. I hope that after their next one that they lose their jobs, never make another movie again, have to crawl back home on their body nubs after their arms are legs turn up missing one day and that they are not even fit to be a human urinal.
If you enjoy Epic Movie on ANY LEVEL AT ALL.....I hate you. That's all there is to say about that.
[1/5]
I give this movie four stars....four ninja stars. Right in the ball sack so badly that I hope Epic Movie's ball sack shrivels up, somehow lands in its Epic mouth and after crapping out its Epicly shriveled balls into its own Epic mouth once again, I hope that a homeless man who loves genital mutilation and....rape somehow finds its way to Epic Movie's poor dilapidated self and vomits on it. Because that would STILL be more entertaining than Epic Movie.
I HATE EPIC MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 13 , 2010
ILLegal Alien: Jedi Link of USA.
Of all the muthafuckas in the world, he's the muthafuckest.
This one is a bizarre case. Some places he fits in, others he stands out. No matter where you find him, he'll always be the same guy as he never puts up a facade for any reason. A filmmaker on the rise he has a vast knowledge of useless garbage. If it's in a movie he's seen it. Thanks to the internet he's seen worse. This one is severely scarred by an incomprehension of how retarded people can be. Generally a loner, he knows few, those few don't always support him so he stands on his own.
He is relentless in his pursuit as a filmmaker and refuses to be left out of a business he wants to see improve. He also has ADD which explains the somewhat "all over" nature of his own description.