Hello, Citizen Sin here with my movie review. I wasn’t sure what to start with so I just waited on my netflix to spew the latest movie on my list, and spew it did. The movie I’m reviewing is called “Shadow of the Vampire” Starring John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe.
       

For starters I started watching this movie ten years ago when it came out and I fell asleep. It might have had a lot to do with I was tired or the fact the movie was boring as fuck!

 

Over the last ten years I’ve thought of the movie now and then and a few weeks ago I decided to give it another chance. This is a very rare occurrence with me because I know what I like and usually there is no changing my mind. The only times i can think of this happening was Paranormal Activity (I know I know) and REPO! The Genetic opera. I can’t explain why I like either one of those movies because neither are filled with tits and/or violence...well ok REPO is pretty violent and there is that one scene with tits in it...what was I talking about?

 

So the premise of Shadow of the vampire is pretty simple: It’s a what-if story. it’s what if the guy who played Count Orlock in Nosferatu wasn’t just an actor but a real vampire and he was killing the people making the movie. The premise sounds fucking awesome! The execution...not so much.

The movie was boring. very boring. It starts off early letting you know John Malkovich’s character is a weirdo director who will do anything for his movie, which anyone who has seen John Malkovich in anything, know he is a weirdo. John Malkovich’s character is named Murnau and he is the director of the shameless copy off of Dracula (because they couldn’t secure the rights from Bram Stoker’s widow). So he starts filming his movie called Nosferatu with this weird new actor no one has ever heard of named Max Shreck (Willem Dafoe). Max is such a hardcore actor he refuses to be called anything but Count Orlock and he stays in character even when they aren’t filming, and blah blah none of this was very interesting.

As soon as filming starts the Camera guy starts getting sick and pale. All the tell-tale signs of he's turning into a fucking vampire are there, including one of the old lady extras who shows up long enough to fuck up a shoot and bolts after declaring the camera guy “NOSFERATU!”  Everyone who is involved in the production is starting to notice the twitchy mumbling guy who bites people when they cut their fingers might really be a vampire but in the world of this shitty movie, they do nothing about it. They just keep rolling film on what I can only assume is the last centurie's Twilight. Orlock kills people in the stupidest ways. Most of the time this involves him jumping on someone and sucking on their neck with his giant bunny rabbit teeth.

Willem Dafoe was nominated for an oscar for his role in this movie and that boggles my fucking mind! He was alright at best but he was not scary or believable. He seemed like he was playing an old man with Alzheimers who thought he was a vampire and everyone was too scared to tell him he wasn’t, which if that had been the case this movie would have been hilarious!

I can’t say I hated this movie but I will say I nearly fell asleep again. I’m not entirely sure of what happened at the end and what the director was trying to say. I do know this movie was very low budget and not very good. However as lame as this movie is, it’s vampire is still more baller than the ones from Twilight. Also if you wait long enough towards the end, the main woman gets high on morphine and rolls around on her bed with her boobs out. This doesn’t make the movie any better but it interested me for those wonderful 40 seconds that didn’t involve a vampire with no fangs mumbling and grunting and twitching his really long fingernails.

Shadow of the vampire gets a 2 out of 5 and I’m honestly being fucking generous here.
-Citizen sin (aka Brian o’Blivion, aka Romero Love, aka Romeo Haight)

[2/5]

 

By Citizen Sin: August 21, 2010

The Big Bad Ravioli Man : Citizen Sin of USA.

It's all gravy mothafucka.

The Big Bad Ravioli Man started as goo that poured from a meteorite that crashed into a video store and gained all the knowledge on movies and pop culture that was available. Mr. Big Bad is also a chronic liar and likes to make up stories about himself. He only uses aliases. The movie reviews are pulled from the ramblings of no less then six ouija boards all being used at once by six hundred and six lunatics. or The Big Bad Ravioli Man might simply be just a weird fat kid who watches too much of everything